Big doin's

Dear Sarkozy Bakery Family,

I want to bring you up-to-date on some big changes in the bakery’s life, and mine. In the past couple of months I have experienced and been diagnosed with a rare auto immune disease called Giant Cell Arteritis. It has left me with permanent damage to my vision. My left eye is permanently blind, and my right eye has very little peripheral vision. What is important however, is that I still have significant vision in my right eye. I am able to do nearly everything, I just need to be more cautious. I have been forbidden to fall by my doctor. Reading is a bit more difficult, work on the computer is helped a lot by the accessibility features, and I certainly cannot drive.

The treatment for Giant Cell consists mainly of being on steroids. BIG doses of steroids which have make me believe I can do anything, and keep me up all night. However, I have had a huge burse of creativity which has been a lot of fun! Prednisone also activates the meglomanical center of the brain, often making me insufferable. Cautionary tale:the combination of high doses of prednisone, 2:30 am, and internet shopping may damage your bank account!

That puts me at a new, rudely introduced, phase of life. Mobility has, of course, become paramount. There are many people where I live who are happy to let me hitch a ride, there is a car service where I live, there are many both public and commercial ways to get around and I appreciate them all. But the fact is, I cannot drive and have lost that independence. I can't jump in the car and go to the drugstore, I can't decide on a Sunday I want to go to Lake Michigan because the waves are high. 

And here's the part that I am ashamed of and cannot escape. I immediately recognized that I don't want to look handicapped. That being the case, what does “being handicapped” mean to me. I don't want people to pity me or condescend or to patronize me. What it also must mean, I think, is that in my urge to help other people (she said excusing her self), I have been doing exactly that to handicapped people.I sw it from my need to help, not their for space or pride. Of course that is a knife edge balance for both parties. It also shows me how deeply embedded my biases run. Dammit, I thought I worked hard to get rid of a whole lot of those.

That brings me to the issue of a cane, a white cane to be specific. The fundamental expression of mobility and independence is to be able to walk around by myself. If I am to do that I have to recognize that crossing the street can be quite dangerous. My need for safety seems to have overcome my reticence to looking handicapped so I have bought a cane and I am practicing with it.

Lots of help from many friends has gotten me this far. I still have many adjustments to make, much to learn, and there is the grief. 

As many of you know I am extremely lucky that I had already made the move to a continuing care retirement community (CCRC). Coming home from the hospital was one of the most moving things that has happened recently. Instead of going home alone to my own house without being able to drive, I was embraced by many new and understanding friends who immediately began and continue to help. 

In the meantime, Alec has been taking wonderful care of the bakery. We have been working for quite a while on the transition between us. After all, I am old, he is young; I am wearing out, he is as well, but I have a fifty year head start; I've been there/done that so much of my thinking is stale, he is eager and excited. We complement each other in so many ways. Both of us are aware of our responsibility to the “institution” of Sarkozy Bakery. We must nurture it and do our best to make it resilient and sustainable. It is almost 50 years old, and we are looking toward 100 (not that I will be there, but Alec could be).

Alec and me with the $100 worth of strawberries that being on prednisone made me buy! As you can see, I have taken off my uniform - maybe not for good, but only in special circumstances..

And I have set up a home office. You can’t know how good that is because my office was always a terrible mess (certainly not caused by my poor habits, but merely because it was too small). With Alec’s good habits, and me out of there, the office is much more efficient and pleasant. It also means I can work from home where transportation is not an issue. We are keeping in very close touch many times a day and at this point,I go in to the bakery, three or four days a week

Also, because I don't see very well anymore I have discovered the accessibility aspects of my computer and Alec has taught me some really important navigation tips so I am actually faster on the computer than I was before this happened. I pretty much use dictation so gimme a break when this machine misunderstands me.

Here, however, is what I most want to tell you. I am deeply happy. Experiencing this adjustment has caused me to to reflect, to question, to rummage through memories. The bakery, so terribly hard at times, is going to carry on and has given me such a rich life so far. Of course, I know the bakery isn't done with me. Life isn't done with me. So let's all hold hands and go what’s next.

Love,
Judy